Happy Mother’s Day to all the humans and animal moms!
Mother’s day is one of my least favorite days of the year. There are two reasons that this day breaks my heart. The first pain is every year I think about my mother. I block her out of my head as much as I can, but I mourn our relationship every year. I haven’t gotten into the whole story of her yet and I don’t think I can do that today without having a breakdown. I’m going to save that for another day. She consistently hurts me, even after she decided to get mad at me one day and never talk to me again. She lives in the next town. A lot of toxicity there. Today is more about the second reason I’m not ok.
The reason today hurts so much is I am mourning a baby I wasn’t allowed to have. It is a long story about a man I believed for almost 8 years and loved. He was the second relationship I had. He lived with his girlfriend. At first he made it seem we were going to be friends. I was 20. One night he wanted to play video games and drink. It was fun. He kissed me and I was drunk so I was all giddy about it. He told me he wasn’t in love with his girlfriend and was saving money to move out. I was naive and didn’t think he would lie about something so serious. He swore that they were just roommates and there was no romantic relationship. I believed this bullshit. I wanted so much for him to love me and be with me. I put up with the lies for 7 years. Every time I would find evidence that he was using us both I would leave. And he would pull me back in. His “roommate” got pregnant. I was devastated. I left. For months. He proposed to her. I did everything I could to not lose my mind. He would call and text and wear me down. I went to see him, even though I knew I couldn’t handle it. It was Christmas eve. I’m pretty sure we drank (he is an alcoholic and apparently still is). We went to talk at the library parking lot. I made a terrible decision to sleep with him again. It was in the backseat of his car. While it was happening, he kept saying I wish it was you who was having my baby. I cried a lot. I wanted to believe him.
A few weeks after that I was feeling weird. I wasn’t sick. I physically was fine but I felt different. I started thinking about it and I don’t know why, but I knew I needed to get a pregnancy test. I bought it home and took it. I was pregnant. I was living at home at 22 with no job and no car. I was terrified. I called my best friend and told her. I called him. He came and picked me up right away. He made me take multiple tests because he didn’t believe me. Once it clicked how fucked he was he said I had to have an abortion. I absolutely didn’t want to do that. I wasn’t far along at all but I felt so bonded with my baby. I wasn’t alone in my house of lies and abuse. He realized I wasn’t going to let him stop me. So he told me that if I didn’t abort my baby he would sue me for entrapment. This was before I had the internet to look up what constituted entrapment. I was fucking terrified. My step dad came in my room and told me if I didn’t stop seeing him I was going to get in trouble. I lost it and told him. He told me if I didn’t abort immediately and had this baby I’d kill my mother. She has MS and stress makes it a thousand times worse. The only two men in my life were telling me I had no other option. I couldn’t talk to my mom. I wanted to die. I didn’t have any options and I didn’t want to have a baby in jail – I promise I’m not stupid I honestly believed Don and Nathaniel. That’s his name. Why hide it anymore, he deserves the world to know how evil a human he is. I made an appointment at planned parenthood. The night before I was going in he brought $600 cash for it. He offered to come but – fuck you. Why would I want you there for something I was being forced to do? My best friend took me for the procedure. I couldn’t make myself to do the surgical option, so I did the pill that would make me miscarry. I was 7 weeks. I had to take a pill, in the office, that killed the fetus. Fucking it was the worst thing I’ve ever done. 24 hours after I took it I had to insert the pills that would induce the miscarriage. I carried my dead baby who I loved with all my heart for a full day. When the pills started the miscarriage, the pain was something I will never forget. The amount of blood was so terrifying. I wanted to die. I passed out in Don’s bathroom. The bleeding was supposed to last 2 weeks. After a month I called and was told it would stop naturally. 2 months. 2 fucking months I bled and was in so much pain. Nathaniel’s now wife had the baby 2 weeks to the day I had the abortion. Try surviving that heartbreak. Not after a few weeks she took the baby, in February, to the beach. The baby got seriously sick and needed a nebulizer. She went back to work and he called me asking to see me. I fucking went. I still don’t know why. I helped him care for the baby that was allowed to live. I just can’t forgive anyone involved with this whole shit show. I have NEVER forgiven myself for killing my baby. The baby I already fell in love with.
My therapist suggested writing a letter to my baby. To say goodbye. I have put it off for months. My best friend still comforts me and wants me to forgive myself. I honestly don’t know if I can ever move on. It has been 17 years. But I can’t hate myself like this anymore. So, now I’m going to try and say goodbye.
I miss you. Every day. You are always on my mind. I have wanted nothing but to meet you and hug you and beg you for forgiveness. I wanted to love you forever. I wanted to watch you grow up. I wanted you to know from the second my heart knew you were there I loved you. You deserved so much more than a mentally unfit mother and lying, manipulative father. I wish I could have just held you in my arms. All I’ve ever wanted was for that nightmare to be fiction and to have my baby. I know that the life I’ve had wouldn’t have been fair to you. My ghosts haunt me all the time and I don’t know that I’d have been able to give you the life I dreamed of for you. I am sorry. I am sorry I couldn’t fight for you. I am sorry you never got to feel the sun on your skin. Or be hugged and kissed. I am sorry I couldn’t be your mother. I want you to know that I will never forget those few weeks with you. Staring out the window watching the animals run around and singing (badly) to you. I had bought a baby book. I was ready to grow my sunflower. I’m eternally grateful for the times I had with you. I just miss you. I love you. I want to know you. I hope someday you and I will meet. I just hope you don’t hate me. I hate me. You are my sun and I feel you shine on my skin. I hope you are being taken care of, where ever you are. I can’t believe that you are gone forever. I can’t believe I let that happen. But, I know my love for you will never die.
I hate being jealous of everyone who gets to watch their children grow. I hate how much it hurts when I see a loved one is pregnant. I want to celebrate and be so happy for them, but that takes time for my head to wrap around. I promise I love all my friends and their children. I promise I will be there for you all and your babies. It is me and my broken heart that makes me take time to be part of the celebration. I am eternally sorry that I do this. I love you all. I can’t do anymore today. My tears won’t stop so I need to take care of myself now. I love you all.