Taking advantage

Abuse comes in lots of forms. Physical is easy to see to the victim. Emotional abuse, now that’s a different story.

I talked a little about my “relationship” with he who must not be named, known from here on out as penis. Because that was what he cared about at the end of the day. Penis is the one who destroyed me.

I met him when I was waiting tables at 19. He was a cook and he would always joke around with me. He would look at me and I felt pretty. That was the first time I ever felt wanted. That I wasn’t this fat, ugly loser. He asked me to come over and play video games one night. I got there and I found out that his girlfriend was at work. She was also a waitress. I was heartbroken. I decided we could be friends because I really liked him and I liked how he made me feel. We played video games and drank. I was pretty drunk (always the lightweight). He kissed me. I was so confused. He told me his girlfriend had been a roommate. He loved her as a friend but was not in a real relationship with her anymore. No sex. Just living together. I believed him. I was naive. I fell hard.

We hung out all the time. We started having sex. Alot. He had me convinced what we had was real. We spent so much time going on trips all over CT. We had sex everywhere. Cars, random backyards, sleezy motels. His house. In the room next to wear his roommate was sleeping. She just had to know we were together. We would hold hands and she saw it all the time. The three of us hung out a bunch.

One day, a while after we started whatever we were, he had me in the bedroom and we were gonna mess around. I found a condom in the basket next to the bed. Used. Not from me. It broke my heart. I finally had someone who loved me for me. More than my parents ever did. And he lied. About everything. I left devastated and just cried. All the time. He kept calling me. I finally gave in and we talked. He swore up and down it was a mistake. There was no love between them and he was so sorry. It wouldn’t happen again. I was so dumb. I believed it. I loved him and felt like I couldn’t live without him.

We got back to normal and I never saw a condom again. Turns out he learned a lesson and was careful from that point on. It was a relationship for 6 years. I grew up with him. He was older than me and I felt so grown up. He promised me during those years that because we weren’t making a lot of money he was saving it slowly to move out and I would live with him. I believed him for all that time. Why? I ask myself that still and it’s been 20 years.

6 years in. Guess what happened? His girlfriend got pregnant. I wanted to die. I considered suicide. He would call me and I’d just rage on him. He kept calling. Next thing I know they are engaged. I took way too many pills but I couldn’t die. I can’t remember much of that time. Thank you brain (for once). I don’t know how he kept me in his life, and I hate, HATE myself for letting him control me. They got married in October. I started dating a guy. My best friend, his best friend, and the tow of us went to Salem MA to make sure I was FAR away for the wedding, because I didn’t trust myself to not go. I stopped talking to him.

My step dad punched a hole in the wall after I had gotten into a bad car accident and threatened to kill me. I had to leave. I moved in with Angie and I messed that up because I was so fucked mentally. Christmas Eve. I have no where to go. Penis says I should come stay in the spare room. I had NOWHERE to go. He picked me up and we hung out with him begging me to forgive him. We ended up at the library late at night. I don’t know how it happened, I think we were drunk. We had sex in the backseat of his jetta. During it he kept saying he wished I was pregnant instead of his wife. Guess what happened?

So that is the backstory to how I got pregnant and almost died. He is an alcoholic. He is still with her. They have two kids now. He tries to get Angie to have me call him or unblock him. She won’t allow that and I wouldn’t anyway. I am beyond in love with my husband who has shown me real, true love.

I want penis to see my blog. I really want him to remember everything he did to me. There were times we would fight and he would just kick me out of his car. Poor Angie was my savior and would come rescue me. I want him to remember how he almost forced me to kill myself. I was ok with it because I want him to never forget what he did. He is apparently a church goer, and I can do nothing but laugh at him. Angie is still by my side and I know I wouldn’t have gotten through this without her. I was so scared my firends would all leave me. I am a lucky human for their love. That penis is going to live a miserable life with his wife. Hopefully she wakes up someday and leaves him and takes his kids. It’s what he deserves. He took mine from me.

Author:

I am sharing my story of why and how I developed BPD and what I am doing to rebuild myself.

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