Hey guys. So I have written three different drafts but haven’t been able to finish them until now and I ended up losing them. So. Let’s catch up, shall we?
I had a really bad week last week. I’ve gone through such emotional, personal shit. I wanted to die a few times. I thought about what it would feel like to not feel anymore. I am not suicidal. I think there is a big difference between wanting to be dead vs suicide. I think if you get to the point where you can’t talk yourself down, that’s the time to really reach out to anyone. I texted my best friends. I wasn’t ok. I couldn’t make myself feel ok. So I had them do it for me.
I scared Andrea. I scared Angie. I didn’t mean to do that to either of them. But I think of the things that could have happened and realize that I needed people to show me how me being gone would impact them, and Josh. And my babies. All 6 of my animals would be affected. I can’t do that to them. Even when I don’t feel important I try so hard to think of my circle of love and stay. I’m far from strong, but my guilt keeps me going. I don’t want to post this anymore. But if I don’t, how can I move past this shit?
I upset my husband twice last week. I messed up. He got mad twice last week. He had a right to. But. I can’t handle someone hanging up on me, yelling at me and being mad at me. I just can’t. I’m not going to get into detail but the first time I fucked up he was mad and called and after yelling hung up on me. I immediately was scared to go home. I reverted back to the terrified person living at home with parents that hated. I was always in trouble and sick from the thought of walking through the door. It was always blown way out of proportion. They wanted me to be their personal maid, nurse and housekeeper. They didn’t want a daughter. Don had 2 perfect daughters who could do no wrong. Anyway, I called Angie crying and I almost threw up. I knew I was going to walk into a fight. I know I am safe in my house. But I can’t handle this shit. And I get that it makes it fucking hard to deal with me.
He asks me what can he do when he gets mad at me or wants to argue. I never know what to say. I end up upsetting him and he gets frustrated. And I understand because I feel the same way about myself. I am not alone at being frustrating though. The difference between us is I’d rather hold it in and get past it on my own than fight. I’m not writing to complain about our communication problems though. I want to talk about how I take this shit and break myself down.
One of my problems is that no matter what happens, I see now that the issues that arise in me are because how I got treated/abused. How unfair is that shit? And it doesn’t excuse any behaviors and responses I have. But when that is how you have been your entire life it is hard to make sense of it to other people. It just sounds like bullshit to anyone else. I need to work on communication and I have such anxiety about it I can’t make myself work on it properly.
I know that this post is kind of jumbled and I’m not sure what else I want to say, so I’m gonna end it here for now. Also sorry it took so long for me to write a new post. There are so many things that I want to talk about as they happen and they leave my brain, like, instantly. I’m going to try to get better with blogging. I need it.
Thanks for reading my word vomit.