Panic

It’s been a little while now since I wrote a post. I figured since this morning I had a full panic attack I would come back and talk about it.

The morning started with bringing Josh to work at 6:30. I decided because I was so tired that I’d lay back down. I know that if I take a nap or fall back asleep I wake up with anxiety. I don’t know yet why that happens but it is something I’ve dealt with for as long as I can remember. So when I woke up I was nauseous and riddled with anxiety. I watered my plants and was excited to see how my lettuce is growing and that cheered me up. Because I was calmer I decided to try to make that tik tok coffee that is basically whipped coffee on top of milk and ice. I was curious how water mixed with instant coffee and sugar was going to create a whipped mixture, but why not right? The internet told me it would work. 12 minutes of mixing the shit and guess what? Nothing. Well, I was getting frustrated throughout the process because it obviously wasn’t working and it was building up the anxiety. After 12 minutes I got so mad I stopped. I ripped the whisk thing off the mixer an threw it in the sink. I screamed and slammed my hands on the sink in the kitchen a few times.

I threw a hissy fit which made me so mad at myself I started panicing that I am a piece of shit and I scared the animals and I just am a fucking asshole. At that point my thoughts were racing and my heart was going to bang out of my chest. I couldn’t stop crying, and it was that hard sobbing that hurts crying. I was scared that I wasn’t going to stop. I was scared that this is my life and how I handle shit. The thoughts were dark and scary and I am mad at myself. I let myself go down the rabit hole and needed help getting out of it.

I texted Angie who knows how it feels to be that way and who knows how to talk me down. She helped look up what new meds I’m supposedly getting (that’s a whole different story and let me tell you I’m fucking pissed). She got me calm and now here we are.

I guess I wanted to write this to just put it out there that these things happen. They seem like this horrible thing is going to ruin you. But they go away. I need more practice with DBT skills. I am a little mad at myself for not utilizing any of the coping skills.

Author:

I am sharing my story of why and how I developed BPD and what I am doing to rebuild myself.

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