18

18 years ago this month I was forced to say goodbye to you. We didn’t get to meet but I loved you so much. I wanted to watch you grow up. I wanted to hold you more than anything in the world. I would give anything to be able to go back in time and stand up for myself. I’m so sorry you didn’t get to be a part of this world.

I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for what I did. I think about you every day. I wonder what you would look like. What you would want to do with your life. I want to know if you would hate bananas as much as I do. I’d like to think you would have had an excellent taste in music. And that you would love to read. I think you would have a huge imagination, just like your mother.

When I was 18 I had just graduated. I was so innocent. I loved pop music and Fleetwood Mac and The Bee Gees. I read and reread the same book throughout high school. I hadn’t been kissed yet. I was scared, even back then, of losing the people and pets I loved so fiercely. I had already been taking care of my mother for 6 years. I wanted to be a special education teacher. I thought I’d travel around the world before I turned 30. I thought I’d write a book.

I know that I can’t go back. I know that I shouldn’t want to. But you are the one thing I’d go back for. I’d relish every minute of your life.

The good thing is that all the love I want to give you I get to share with my neices and nephews. My Aiden is my first ever blood nephew. I never thought I’d have one, but then my brothers came into my life and I get to spoil the hell out of that little boy. My friends graced me with the honorary title of auntie to their beautiful babies, even the older ones. They are all my babies and I’m so lucky to have them. You would love them all squishy. I know you would.

I love you. I will always love you. I miss you. And I carry you with me. Always.

Author:

I am sharing my story of why and how I developed BPD and what I am doing to rebuild myself.

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