Bad day

I haven’t written a post in a few weeks and I’m sorry about that. I couldn’t get my thoughts together to put them down.

I started Lexapro last month and finally got off Paxil completely. Lexapro was NOT for me. My depression got really bad and put me in a really dark place for a while. I finally had my meds appointment and we are trying something different. Instead of the SSRIs I’ve always been on we are trying SNRIs. I’m now on Prestique and it’s starting to help. I’ve been trying my hardest to use my coping skills.

Coping skills. I found myself using them before I went into Walmart alone for the first time in a very long time. Being an empath makes shopping at places like Walmart very difficult. But I convinced myself I had to go. So I yelled at myself in the car the whole ride there and just kept saying that it’s a store. Don’t interact with anyone, you know what you need. Just go in and do it. So. I did. I had the mask on and was grateful for it beause I was talking to myself the entire time. I kept saying you are fine. You are fine. You are fine. I tapped my fingers together and focused on counting how many times each finger touched. I did it. I didn’t have a panic attack!

Now. Today. Today I am struggling. I woke up anxious, as usual. But the anxiety kept building. My therapist always tries to help me figure out what is causing it. I think it had to do with the stress and pressure I was putting on myself yesterday. I don’t really want to talk about yesterday but just know I was doing damage to myself with my brain. I know that when I have a panic attack the next day or week can be just exhausting. I am exhausted.

I almost got hit by two different assholes. The first one, because I beeped when he was inches from my front bumper, break checked me because I beeped – because fuck me right? Instantly I started crying. I cried the entire way to my friend’s house. I sat in the car in her driveway for an hour sobbing. I reached out to my two best friends and they talked me off the ledge but I couldn’t get out of the panic. I ended up saying hi and bye to my friend and came home. I video chatted Angie and that definitely helped.

Anyway. My point I guess is that these past few weeks have taken a toll on me. I want to feel better. Permanently. Life is just being a real twat. I get why lobotomies were a thing. I’d pay good money for one right about now.

Take care of yourself. Self care. Drink water. Eat something. Do better tomorrow. Find a reason to smile.

Author:

I am sharing my story of why and how I developed BPD and what I am doing to rebuild myself.

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