Uncomfortably Numb

I don’t know if I wrote about this before but I need to get this shit out. Since I haven’t heard from my mother I check every now and then to see if she is dead. I’ve talked to my therapist about how I kind of wish she was gone already, just so I can officially not live in fear that she is going to send me this awful email saying what a terrible person I am and how she wishes I was never born. I know that this is fucked up and I hate myself for it. But it’s my reality. After yesterday’s therapy session where I talked a lot about my parents, I decided to check if she is still alive. She is. But my godfather, my uncle Jim, died last year. I am so numb right now. I don’t know how to react or feel. I keep crying but I don’t feel anything. I’m depressed and it is definitely elevated but I don’t FEEL anything.

To explain my relationship with my uncle I’m going to talk about the few memories I have with him.

One. I don’t know how old I was. I think it was before we moved to Connecticut so I was under the age of 12. Uncle Jim and Aunt Susan were visiting from Georgia. We went to a restaurant in Little Italy. My uncle used these big words. He would make me repeat them to him. If I said them wrong he would be so disappointed and would make me feel dumb. Ever since I was extremely awkward around him because I knew I wasn’t what he wanted. I wanted so much for him to like me. I never thought he really did.

Two. Fast forward to about 10 years ago. The day after I found Don. My mother is in the ICU at Yale. I’m still in shock. Angie and Josh are in the waiting room with me. Uncle Jim is there. I don’t remember what exactly happened, all I remember is Angie telling yelling at him when I went to see my mother. She always looks out for me. She had to be there for so many of the horrible things I’ve gone through. Anyway. I’m not sure if it was the night before this or later that day. Uncle Jim and I are alone outside of the hospital. Annie (Don’s daughter) was upstairs I think. I’m crying. Uncle Jim said to be there for Annie. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a father. I can still hear him say that. I just apologized to him and said I’ll be there for her.

Three. I don’t remember this interaction, only how I felt after. My mother was moving into her apartment in the assisted living facility. I was stressed out more than I ever have been. Uncle Jim made me feel like the biggest piece of shit because my mother chose to stay in CT instead of moving to Georgia with him. Multiple times. He just made me feel like the biggest piece of shit and that it was my fault she will never be happy again. She repeatedly told me how he was her best friend and how she is going to miss him so much. The reason she didn’t go was because she knows she can’t handle the heat of the south. Her MS flares up in the summer, imagine what it would do if she was in Georgia. She said she was staying so she can be with me. The lie detector determined that was a lie.

Anyway. I feel like I am really truly dead to my mother because she never reached out to tell me he was dead. I want to be sad that I lost an uncle I wished would respect me and love me my whole life. I am lost right now. That’s the best way to explain it.

Author:

I am sharing my story of why and how I developed BPD and what I am doing to rebuild myself.

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