Mother’s Day is coming and I’m not looking forward to it. It’s just another day but the title they add to it makes it seem so much more intimidating.
One reason is I had a mother I loved with all my heart who did nothing but hurt me. I remember being scared every year that it would be the last Mother’s Day with her. Now that she made it clear she wants nothing to do with me(blessing in disguise) I look back at those years and hurt all over again. I was forced into being a caregiver for her when I was 12 and the only way to be done was to basically to go to work one day and never go back. After I found Don dead I was caregiver again and the stress of it all came flying back. She never appreciated all I did. I wasn’t good enough to deserve any recognition. I did everything in my power to get her healthy and ok after Don. I worked tirelessly to make her love me and where is she now? The only way to know if she is still alive is to google her. Yep I still do that. She’s still kicking, all by herself because that’s who she is. She would rather be alone than forgive anyone for things they didn’t fucking do. She did it with my uncles. She did it with friends. Now she did it with her own daughter.
The second reason is I’m not a mom. I almost was. I’m a pet mom. But I gave up my chance to appease everyone else. I still live with it every day. How do some people have abortions like it’s nothing? Is it a BPD thing to hold on to the pain forever or something? It sucks and it hurts and I want to Eternal Sunshine my mind and forget all about that part of my life. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” – fuck off with that bullshit. It almost killed me and I’m no better for it. I just wish I could go back in time and tell young me to do what I think is best for myself. Not listen to the men in my life who threatened me with a lawsuit and the thought of if I had that baby I would kill my mother. God I hate them both. They both ripped a part of me away with their words. Forgive and forget lol what’s that?
So anyway. I’m dreading a normal Sunday because of things that are out of my control. I recognize that and understand that it’s just another day to the non moms out there. I just wish I had the forgiveness I thought I had for myself. That ship sailed away and then sank to the bottom of the ocean.
Anyway. I’m not