F#*!king Don

A long long time ago when I was 12 and we moved to CT I started volunteering at a special needs cemter for children. I worked with this one girl. Her name was Julie. Juliette. I loved her so much. She had Angelman’s disease. I assisted with her physical therapy and her learning to walk. She was such a happy, loving, funny girl and I cherished every minute I had with her.

One day Don was bringing me to the center. I was telling him about Julie. The man had the audacity to say it was nice she learned to walk but she won’t live a long life. I was 12. He terrified me that she was going to die. The dynamic with her and those other kids chamged for me after that. I had a hard time enjoying the present because I was so scared of what was going to eventually happen.

I’m pretty sure I just realized the background to my fear of losing Josh and our animals. What an awful thing to say to a kid who found a place where she was loved and she learned and made connections with people she never would have been able to. That shaped my way of thinking.

It is so hard for me to be in the moment now. I’m always scared. Always. Every time I walk out of my house I have to say “I love you. Be good and stay alive.” I worry every time I open the door that I’m going to walk in and they will be gone. I hate living like this.

Anyway I just remembered that car ride and needed to get my thoughts in order. See ya later.

Author:

I am sharing my story of why and how I developed BPD and what I am doing to rebuild myself.

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